Postseason!

Rodgers Turns Swag On, Takes Cue from

Lebron James in Celebrating 2009 Season

Get your chalk and get excited.  Kudos to the Packers on locking a playoff spot a week early and giving themselves a 75% chance of playing Arizona and a 87.5% chance of not playing Favre in the first round.

Also, props go out to Chuck Woodson for being named a Pro Bowl starter, and to Rodgers and Collins for making the squad, as well.  Because the players starting in front of both Rodgers and Collins could very well be playing in the Super Bowl the following week, we may be fortunate enough to see both playing a lot in the game if the Packers themselves aren't playing the following week.

I'm sure Ted Thompson is sitting at home right now jerking off to the news article that named Clay Matthews as a Pro Bowl alternate and am obviously happy for Clifton and Grant for making that team, as well. 

How AJ Hawk made it beyond me as the only player on the defense that's worse in pass coverage is 2009/10's Packers Hendie (the Carroll's? Rhodes?) favorite Jarrett Bush...and that includes the d-line.  While I'll save my montage of AP photos of opposing receivers catching touchdowns with Bush in the frame for that occassion (seriously, can we do this?), I'd like to credit Hawk's Pro Bowl alternate award to the rest of the much more taltented Packers defense that will certainly make watching the team more fun in years to come.

Playoffs, baby!  Get excited!

Merry Christmas?!?!

Hey guys, have a merry fucking Christmas!

Maybe my coaching career will get its wings this year.

Sincerely,
Tom Crean

Cutler Stifled by Packers New Defensive Scheme

Capers' New One-Zero Defense Too Much To Handle

Fantastic game. Despite playing on half as much rest and prep time (and against a very angry crowd), the Packers needed very little to methodically defeat the hapless Chicago Adult-cubs. Playing only 5 guys on defense because more players means more guys who can commit penalties, the Packers managed to sack Jay Cutler 3 times and force 2 terrible interceptions which basically won them the game. A credit to Dom Capers for just letting Cutler & Co. do what they do best - shoot themselves in the foot (2 turnovers and 13 penalties for 109 yards). Though I'm not the best source here, I do not believe the Packers committed a defensive penalty.

Discuss the game, Packers fans' swagger, the playoff picture, Miley Cyrus, hopin' off planes at LAX, and Jimmy Butler . . .

Holy Fucking Shit! Brewers land Chuck Lofgren!

Actually, this could have been a legit headline a couple years ago. Top 5 prospect in the Indians organization and top 100 prospect in the MLB as recently as 2008. His star has fallen dramatically as the Indians (and others) realized his control problems weren't going anywhere as he got older. He's still young - 24 in January - but the Brewers already have two lefties in the pen. Maybe they view him as a low-risk, high potential 5th starter. Who knows? In all, perhaps the second best pickup of the offseason, next to the Kendall not-pickup.

Holy Fucking Shit! Brewers land LaTroy Hawkins!

LaTroy Hawkins, above, has stuff so filthy he can blatantly tip every one of his pitches to the opposing batter. He becomes an immediate contender for four of Randy Wolf's Cy Young Awards and should be able to hang with the 'Wolf on the hoops court as well.

Holy Fucking Shit! Brewers land Randy Wolf!

An elated group of teenage werewolves hails the successful signing of earthly deity Randy Wolf. Wolf intends to drink from the same Milwaukee font that healed the troubled arms of Ben Sheets, Chris Capuano, Ben McDonald, and scores of others.

A glimpse into the future . . .

The Brewers now have a shade under $23 million tied up in Jeff Suppan and Randy Wolf, proving to be a return on investment only AIG (or democratic stimulus proponents) could love. Fielder and Braun better bring the big boy bats the next two years.

Thanks, Tiger!

30 Goddamn Dicks

For a while now, several bloggers (including myself) have discussed and been strong proponents of the theory that the best athletes in all of sports usually have "character issues" off the field.  I'd like to thank Tiger Woods for finally proving this theory to be more solid than, well, his own dick inside a blonde cocktail waitress.

While the rest of the media will scrutinize Tiger for his transgressions outside of sports, I'd like to thank him for finally laying to rest any debate about the validity of the character issues in sports theory.  More importantly, the fact that the theory doesn't discriminate by sport proves the logic even more valid.

This guy will ultimately turn out to be the best golfer EVER, provided syphilis or Elin don't cut his career tragically short.  Tiger's recent off-the-course actions make Wilt Chamberlain's previously claimed sexual feats seem worthy of a Cialis commercial and will put him in serious contention with Shawn Kemp as to who can produce more offspring before they die.  He's the richest, most successful athlete in all of sports and will likely become the best golfer that ever lived. His actions outside of golf have finally proven that maybe Dave Chappelle was right all along...

Which leads me to my next point, I believe December is the customary time where bloggers get excited about potential great draft picks for the Packers, here's mine:

Featured in this lovely GIF is Florida's Carlos Dunlap.  He's 6'6" 290 and runs a 4.65 40 as a DE.  He started as a true freshman and led the Gators in sacks this year.  He was a projected top ten draft pick in 2010.  Insanely talented, lots of natural athletic ability? Check.

But talk about character issues, this guy got pass out drunk on a Monday night at 3 AM, just five days before the biggest game of his season.  While the rest of the Gators players were up late researching bible passages to paint on their eye black for Saturday's game, this guy was getting blackout drunk AND driving.  Yes, he doesn't play OL or CB, but if he falls all the way to the Packer's pick, he'll easily be the best player on the board. Let's hope Draftula thinks like us, and I think he does...

Holy Fucking Shit! Brewers land Luis Cruz!

Cruz, above, appears poised at the steps of a Hall of . . . oh fuck it, I can't do it. This guy is terrible. He's walked 171 times in 3713 career minor league PAs. His career major league slg% is .248. And a link to Luis Cruz - White Pages is a better match on Google than his Baseball Reference Page.

Say hello to your new utility infielder, Milwaukee! Just as talented as his hombre Enrique!

Pretty Sure Brewers Just Reacquired Trent Durrington

He's changed his last name and has gone through skin rejuvenation, but this has to be him. Trust me. Let's throw another shrimp on the barbe!

Holy fucking shit! Brewers land Trent Oeltjen!

Trent "Crocodile" Oeltjen becomes the latest addition to the 1927 Milwaukee Yankees. Oeltjen was unavailable for comment as he was chasing a kangaroo around the Great Barrier Reef. He later bathed in ostrich egg yolks and used a koala bear as a luffa.

Proving once and for all that all Australians are named Trent.

Holy fucking shit! Brewers land Gregg Zaun!

Gregg Zaun, above, though old and weathered, is *not* Jason Kendall. Zaun is projected to back up perennial All-Star George Kottaras and catch future Hall of Famer John Halama.

An elated group of A-Rabs tell Jason Kendall to have sex with other men's mouths.

Melvin Signs Arm

Don't worry, it's not this guy






Although I was told not to disclose this confidential information, my inside source has informed me that Melvin indeed signed an arm last night. I am not supposed to reveal who that arm is, but I will say that it seems like a very reasonable deal. I'm sure you all can guess who this mysteryarm is before you see the official release of the story...

Charles Woodson wins November Defensive Player of the Month

Packers CB Charles Woodson (above) holds his two Defensive Player of the Month trophies from the 2009 season and looks to become only the second defensive player of the year in franchise history.

Just Jimmy Butler doing his impression of me...

Honestly, I worry more and more every day that we're the same person. Check out the 1:00 mark.

I'm still upset with him for missing free throws, but that was OHR's fault for saying, "I swear this guy never misses a free throw. Ever."

Holy Fucking Shit! Brewers land John Halama!

Halama, pictured above as a member of the Gwinnette Braves, has been working on his comeback since 2006. He reportedly has his pitch back, and is thirsty for his first season with an ERA+ of over 100 since 2003. It is yet unclear how many Cy Youngs the 37 year old Halama is projected to win as a Brewer, but speculation has that number somewhere in the teens.

Hi, I'm A Worthless Dick

Doug, do you have any fucking clue how baseball works in the offseason? Seriously. Any fucking clue? Nobody gets offered Arby? What the fuck would it hurt just to make the offer? And if somebody like Cameron or Lopez accepts, YOU CAN FUCKING TRADE THEM FOR PITCHING. Jesus fucking christ. What a dolt.