EDITED TO INCLUDE ROUND ROBIN VOTING. PLEASE RE-VOTE.
The moment we've waited all season for is finally here...the Feces Four.
The moment we've waited all season for is finally here...the Feces Four.
TAYLOR DIVISION CHAMPION - Manny Parra
LOPES DIVISION CHAMPION - Jeff Suppan
Like last year, we are going to do this in round robin format. Everyone left will face off against everyone else one time. If there's a tie, we go to the head-to-head results between the two players that are tied. If they're still tied, we go to the usual "state your hate" tiebreaker.
Matchups:
Parra v. Suppan
Parra v. Hardy
Parra v. Kendall
Suppan v. Hardy
Suppan v. Kendall
Hardy v. Kendall
Vote once for each matchup.
Matchups:
Parra v. Suppan
Parra v. Hardy
Parra v. Kendall
Suppan v. Hardy
Suppan v. Kendall
Hardy v. Kendall
Vote once for each matchup.
37 comments:
In order
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
hardy
Suppan
Hardy
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
Suppan
Kendall
Kendall
Well that didn't solve anything. Parra, take one step back. 4-4-4 for the other shitbirds.
In order:
Suppan
Parra
Parra
Suppan
Suppan
Kendall
It'll be tough for me to recreate the anger I had last night in voting for Jason Kendall. I had been drinking gin.
To paraphrase, he makes my blood boil, my sperm sour and my tears sulfuric. I prefer fires in elementary schools, funerals and drownings to seeing him play. 90-year-old women with osteoporosis take more full swings on the golf course. I can't even remember what I said about Suppan. Essentially, it's just not Parra's year, yet. And Vajayjay just can't hang with these guys.
My votes in order:
Suppan
Parra
Kendall
Suppan
Kendall
Kendall
Man, this is a hard one to choose, as these 4 really took it upon themselves to raise their level of suckitude this year.
I'm gonna go with...
Parra
Parra
Parra
Suppan
Suppan
Hardy
Sweet Jesus, at least we don't have Milton Bradley.
Parra v Suppan: Come on, this isn't even a contest. Would someone please remember Scooter's message?!?!?! Suppan by a mile
Parra v Hardy: Since the tie-breaker of awfulness goes to minor league appearances, Hardy gets the nod.
Parra v Kendall: Sorry Parra, you just can't buy a win, just like in the season. Kendall takes this matchup easy, even if he does look like a serial murderer
Suppan v Hardy: Although Hardy is absurdly awful, we don't have to pay him 11 mil/year. Suppan takes this.
Suppan v Kendal: In a stunning upset, Kendall gets the nod. I cannot understand how this guy could play over 10/year. I would rather see Dave Nilson come out of retirement than ever have to see Kenall at the plate with his douchie stance
Hardy v Kendall: Although this was a tough one, my hatred of Kendall burns deep. Next time, make sure your Niece has a knife instead of a baseball bat.
Parra v. Suppan - Soup
Parra v. Hardy - Parra
Parra v. Kendall - Parra
Suppan v. Hardy - Soup
Suppan v. Kendall - Soup
Hardy v. Kendall - Kendall
Here goes:
Suppan
Parra
Kendall
Suppan
Kendall
Kendall
Parra pitched like a cockstand. Suppan pitched like a paraplegic cockstand for the 3rd straight year. But most of all, Jason Kendall rapes baseball on a daily basis. He was once a competent baseball player. That was 8 years ago. The situation is analogous to a 14 year old cocker spaniel with severe prostate cancer who does nothing but lay around, wheeze, and piss all over itself, but the owner just can't help but remember the good old days, thus being too much of a pussy to just euthanize the god damn thing. Note to Doug Melvin: quit being such a fucking pussy and put Kendall's playing days to sleep, ending his fucking reign of misery once and for all.
My picks are as follows:
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
Suppan
Kendall
Kendall
It is difficult to explain just how frustrating it has been to be a Brewer fan for the last 10+ years, as the catcher position has continued to be a cancer. We've had the great privilege to watch such asstards as Jesse Levis, Keith Osik, Raul Casanova, Henry Blanco, Gary Bennett, Kelly Stinnett, Chad Moeller, Paul Bako, and Johnny Estrada. Well, we can add Jason Kendall to the list. My hate fir Kendall goes beyond the baseball diamond. This guy just seems like a jackass, and I bet he got the shit kicked out of him a lot when he was a kid. He tries to put on this "tough guy," "gritty," "old school" which allows the announcers to praise him for his effort and excellent fundamentals. But, as Kenny Powers so brilliantly proclaimed, "Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless." Hey Jason, you are a has-been. You haven't been relevant for 7 years. Do us all a favor and hang em up, you useless shitpile!
http://deadspin.com/5386543/
Read and laugh at Steve Phillips...
I vote for Suppan in all matchups and Hardy in all matchups except for against Suppan. Parra v. Kendall makes no difference to me, but I'll take Parra.
Parra v. Suppan
Parra.
I know, hold the phone, Jeff Suppan is the most useless waste of life on the team. However, all along, we've *known* that Suppan sucks. Parra was supposed to be some sort of #2 to Yovani Gallardo going forward. This year he just pitched like #2. He's always got that fucking 'why doesn't everybody love me' look on his face. He fucking dominates earth some games and fucking fingers his kooch in others. He is far more frustrating than Suppan and I don't care how much less he is costing the team.
Parra v. Hardy
Hardy.
I know, hold the phone, Manny Parra is the most useless waste of life on the team. This was the toughest call of all of the matchups, mostly because I had to control my anal bleeding before I could cast my vote. Michael J. Fox is better at assembling model airplanes than JJ Hardy is at running to first base. Honestly, you could dip Usain Bolt's legs in 40 lb's of concrete up to the hip and he'd be at first before Hardy was out of the goddamn batter's box. Fuck, you could do the same to Johnny Fucking Estrada and achieve similar results. Hardy had 50 home runs the previous two years and had 11 this year.
Hardy v. Kendall
Kendall.
I know, hold the phone, JJ Hardy is the most useless waste of life on the team. However, he still has some residual trade value given his youth, position, and historical performance (to be fair, that may not differ greatly from the residual shit left on my ass after an insufficient wiping). Jason Kendall chokes up so much on the bat that it looks like he's taking a slap shot. Except his attempts look as though he got hit (or more probably, just slipped on the ice) before he made good contact. Maybe he is making good contact. Don't get me wrong, Kendall hits well, it's just that he's been delivering Ike Turner blows to the Brewer faithful since he arrived in the Brew City.
Suppan v. Kendall
Suppan.
I know, hold the phone, Jason Kendall is the most useless waste of life on the team. This is a tough vote. They're both terrible and were ghastly mistakes by the organization. Both refuse to get hurt (injury being their greatest potential contribution to the team). It's like they're both Superman, if Superman could only bench 95 pounds and had a 12" vertical. However, Suppan's contract will prevent the Brewers from competing in 10 and 11, their last realistic opportunity with the best draft classes anybody has put together in the majors. I can't fault him for signing a contract that waaaaay overstated his actual value, but I can fault him for being a vaginal facial haired waste of a $42m.
Suppan v. Hardy
Suppan.
JJ, you get a pass as I hope to Vergie fucking Hall that this year was an anomaly. You better be hitting home runs with your normal bat by day and trashy Cudahy bitches with your pink bat by night. Suppan, on the other hand, can take a swan dive off the Hoan Bridge, right into a recycling can, filled with $42m worth of bees and jagged glass.
Parra v. Kendall
Kendall. Parra owes at least 20% of his appearance in the feces four to Kendall anyway (how are people forgetting this? Kendall got all the credit in the world for the rotation's success last year, why aren't people shoving thorns in his eye this year after they blew goats?). Kendall can't hit, but at least he can't run, field, or throw.
Very good explanations, Bub. And you know I am a supporter of the 2-2-1-1 votes or the 2-2-2 votes, which some believe defy logic. Personally, I can see hating Parra more than Suppan, Suppan more than Kendall, and Kendall more than Parra. Trust me, the Hendies are not governed by reason, they're governed by hate and spit. If these guys weren't so mind-jarringly, head-spinningly bad at their craft, this wouldn't even be an issue.
Is any one of these guys separating from the pack at all? After a quick glance, it looks like Suppan is the leader with Kendall trailing very closely and VaJayJay a few steps behind, as usual. But I'm going to wait until we get more votes to start tallying yet.
In reality, all four are shitheads that deserved recognition for simply making it this far. To leave one off my ballot would be an injustice.
First of all, mad props to the photographer. All classic shots.
Parra v. Suppan
Suppan.
The $, his contract, his performance, his f***ing name in the lineup every 5th day, and his start in the 2008 playoffs are way too much to overcome. The Soup is on.
Parra v. Hardy
Hardy.
.284. That was VaJay's OBP. In AAA.
.765. That was Craig Counsell's OPS in 2009. Hardy's was .659.
1. The number of times VaJay was caught stealing. With a 2 step lead, how did he get picked off? If he wasn't picked off, why the hell was he trying to steal anything but my fantasy baseball season?
In summary, I drafted VaJayJay in fantasy baseball and he made me look like an crusty asshole. For that and wasting his talent, I hate him. I just can't stand mental problems in professional athletes, which is what was apparently hampering Vajay. I hate him more than piss flavored ice cream. And piss flavored ice cream probably isn't very good, even on a really hot day.
Hardy v. Kendall
Kendall.
Surprised? Me too. I can't really explain this one. I just feel the hate for Kendall all the way down to my knees. There's not much more to say. Oh yeah, the Brewers had a Kendall bobblehead day. Wowee, Ricky Henderson.
Suppan v. Kendall
KendPan. Supdall. hmmm....
I hate Hall more than Suppan and Kendall more than Hall, so I must hate Kendall more than Suppan.
Not exactly. If Kendall is a child molester, Suppan is the wife that videotapes him molesting children and sells it to other child molesters.
Suppan is my pick.
Suppan v. Hardy
Hardy.
Booooo Hardy. Booooo. Go back to AAA. Boooo Hardy Boo. Go be the shortstop somewhere else. booooooooooooooo.
Parra v. Kendall
Kendall.
No contest. I have to admit it, I just don't hate Parra nearly as much as these other assrings.
Suppan
Parra
Parra
Suppan
Suppan
Kendall
I'm sorry, but Suppan has ruined way too many days of my life.
Jason Kendall was a filthy whore this year. Like the kind that'll gag on your cock and lick your asshole until your toes curl, filthy whore. He's receiving my vote in every matchup as this may be the last year he's eligible to win a Hendy.
Parra v. Suppan: Suppan. Apples to apples, here. Suppan gets paid 31.25 times as much as Parra does. There is no way Suppan is 31.25 times better than Parra and there's no way I hate Parra 31.25 times more than I do Suppan.
Parra v. Hardy: Parra. As close to apples to apples as we can get when comparing a pitcher to a short stop. Both are young, were highly touted going into the season, and both proceeded to shit the bed and get sent down to the minors for an extended period of time. Again, Parra was too shitty to make the 2009 Brewers starting pitching rotation, that's like being the STUPIDEST kid with down syndrome. Apples to apples (or as close as we come) this is a no brainer.
Parra v. Kendall: Kendall. Parra is a better hitter.
Suppan v. Hardy. Hardy. Suppan would easily win in a footrace, thus further shaming Hardy.
Suppan v. Kendall. Kendall. See $'s comments above. I think I'd rather killy myself than live in a world where one of these guys doesn't win in a Hendy. Thus, the answer is Kendall. I'll wait until after this year's Hendies or the 2010 voting to pull the trigger...
Hardy v. Kendall. KENDALL.
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
Suppan
Suppan
Kendall
Guess that means Suppan is the most hated. Kendall is for sure a close 2nd though.
Parra v. Suppan: Suppan. Everyday I walk out into my living room I see his fucking bobblehead staring back at me from across the room and I say "At least I don't choke on cock every time I go to work" and I feel better about my life. Fuck this shit-eating, assclown. Die.
Parra v. Hardy: Hardy. I have a hard time hating Parra over Hardy even though he had a terrible season. Hardy's inability to run, bat, and generally be worth a damn was very annoying. With Escobar showing signs of life at SS, I think Hardy's days in Milwaukee are numbered. Enjoying playing for Lou Brown and the Mudhens next year shitbreath.
Parra v. Kendall: Kendall. He likes to fondle kids with his dick. Nothing more to say.
Suppan v. Hardy: Suppan. Hardy may have sucked this year, but at least he's been good for the Brewers at some point in his time with them. Suppan has pitched like a 5 year old girl since he arrived, so, for this reason, he gets my vote. He may have been able to convince the Brewers he was a good pitcher, but he hasn't convinced me that he doesn't love to eat cock.
Suppan v. Kendall: Suppan. While Kendall loves to fondle kids with his dick, Suppan incurs my wrath because he's fighting the kids for position in line.
Hardy v. Kendall: Kendall. At least Popeye gained strength from eating spinach. Clearly, eating cock has done nothing for you. Time for Melvin to take you out back and put you down. Go away and never come back.
Wow, there were a lot of references to penises there, E.
When backed into a hate-filled corner, cock references are my greatest defense. It's what I do best.
I think we'll be crowning the champion tomorrow afternoon. Time is running short to change Suppan's destiny.
And if you didn't read that article Skip posted about Steve Phillips, you really need to. That is the most disgusting looking woman I've ever seen be involved in such an affair. Steve Phillips has absolutely no ability to evaluate talent.
Czaben called the woman with which Phillips had an affair an "Ewok" on the radio this morning.
After having looked at the linked photos of her posing between Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper, I'm now cleaning the coffee from my keyboard.
The correct term is "Flatso"
In Order:
Suppan
Parra
Kendall
Suppan
Suppan
Kendall
This rant is going to be weak, thanks to the flu:
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
Suppan
Kendall - i waivered on this one, because I have made money this summer betting on how bad kendall was. everyone seems to think he had some talent. I also fear that he won't be back next year, so he needs his comeuppance now.
Kendall
I think the correct term actually is "slumpbuster."
It appears to be down to Suppan and Kendall. Sorry Hardy and Parra supporters.
Holy shit the umpires in the Yanks/Angels series are bad.
Current Tallies:
J. Suppan - 39
J. Kendall - 35
V. Hardy - 14
M. Parra - 14
I'm setting the deadline to vote at 3:53 p.m. tomorrow.
I still can't believe that this travesty that you guys form as some kind of contest does not include Corey Hart in the Final4. This competition should have just excluded him like Playboy used to exclude UW from its party rankings. Corey Hart just sucks too bad to be considered I suppose... Anyays in simplistic form:Parra, Hardy, Kendall, Hardy, Kendall, Kendall
I smell a phony!
Anonymous is Pat. His vote will count. If it isn't Pat, it's the best damn imposter I've ever seen to mention both hatred for Corey Hart and UW in the same sentence.
Unfortunately, it looks like we are about out of time to vote.
I find it fitting that whoever wins takes it down by a mere vote. The only thing better would be for LIFM to waltz in here and vote kendall kendall kendall suppan suppan X and decide this by a hate off.
I'm giving Carlson 24 minutes to do that. Otherwise, Suppan wins by 1 vote.
Hey Guys, boy, what a finish. Here's my votes:
Suppan
Hardy
Kendall
Hardy
Kendall
Kendall
Peeeee UUUUU!
Can we accept that vote?
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