Milwaukee (AP) – While most people wouldn’t let Brian Shouse babysit their right-handed children, former Brewers’ manager Ned Yost saw something special in his lefty specialist Sunday afternoon. Most managers, eight year old girls, and amorphous molten rocks understand that the real reason to keep a lefty specialist in your bullpen is to face left-handed former MVP’s in critical situations. However, Ned Yost approached the situation just a little differently.
“Shousey is a gamer,” Yost said. Interpreters have informed the AP that, roughly translated, this means that Yost was scared shitless of having to pitch to Howard in a tight situation and was willing to let a much more qualified right handed bat beat his side-arming lefty.
“I had confidence in Shousey that he could get the double play,” said Yost, the only one with such confidence in his pitcher. The rest of the city of Milwaukee could have written the ending to this predictable tale: Yost left ‘s House in for three consecutive right handed batters and four consecutive earned runs. Yost was issued a swift and ruthless termination only a few hours later.
Though it may not be apparent to casual viewer, Sunday was not Yost’s first time managing a baseball team. Quite the contrary, in fact. Yost led the Brewers to a .477 winning percentage over most of six seasons and became famous for similar collapses – July 2004, July 2005, June 2006, and August 2007, just to name a few. Speculators, who long ventured that Yost’s ultimate demise would come at the hands of an angry mob wielding socks filled with razor blades and rusty nails, were sorely disappointed Monday when Brewers’ General Manager Doug Melvin announced he had gone the more traditional route and simply fired the fuckin Communist.
“Ned has no idea how to manage a baseball team. And that,” said Brewers General Manager Doug Melvin. “It’s no secret, and that, that I was calling all the shots from upstairs and Yost was my little on field puppet, and that. I thought I’d be nice and give him a little responsibility by allowing him to manage the bullpen, which was clearly a colossal mistake,” Melvin continued. “And that.”
Nobody was more disappointed to learn about Yost’s termination than local cocksucker Bill Hall, who has ‘played’ third base for most of the year. Hall was a favorite of Yost’s despite his inability to hit, run the bases, or field his position. Hall could not be reached for comment as he was preparing the bear that was to be fucked by for former Brewers’ third baseman Russell Branyan. Branyan, who typically performs this task (and others like striking out, walking, and hitting bombs) himself was busy treating his muscle injury with an ointment of razor blades and rusty nails, a Branyan family cure dating back thousands of years.
Former Brewer and current third base wind turbine Dale Sveum will be acting manager during the team’s final twelve games while former Brewer and current bench coach Ted ‘Simba’ Simmons will serve as an assistant to the manager. When reached for comments about the Brewers situation, Sveum’s response was indecipherable amidst the raining boos following yet another out at home plate.
Nobody is quite sure how the Brewers’ final 12 games will wrap up, but there IS one guarantee in Brew Town: Anticipation for the 2008 Hendy awards is at an all-time high.
Labels: and that, Red Yost