I am supposed to be doing other work, so, naturally, I’m looking to spend as much time blogging as possible. Normally I try to stick to an original format around here, but I wanted to parody Stuff White People Like before it becomes too cliché to do so. Hence, without further ado, I present to you:
The Cubbunist Manifesto
15. Bemoaning external factors that had no effect on their fortunes while ignoring the irreparable damage their own organization caused.
-Bartman! Billygoats! We’re cursed! Never mind the fact that, until recently, the organization did little to convert the popularity of the team into on-field talent and instead tried to nickel and dime the public. Since their epiphany, they’ve done as little as possible to ensure the long term prosperity of the team. Rather, they have tried to maximize productivity in the next three years. Best part is – it doesn’t matter! The fans eat that ‘lovable loser’ crap up!
14. Loud Outs
-Holy shit, Derrek Lee just hit a routine fly ball to left! Unfortunately I’m not paying very close attention to the game, but I had better fucking cheer as loud as I can to make up for it!
13. Ignoring the baseball game being played
-Everybody knows that the point of going to a Cubs game is to get drunk with your old frat buddies and discuss your general awesomeness (or to flirt with those guys). You can’t be bothered with a silly baseball game going on in the background. I’m all for getting tanked at a baseball game, but christ, watch the game and stop spitting on me as you tell me how drunk you are.
12. Exposing their kids to that shit.
-I root for the Cubs. My father rooted for the Cubs. HIS father rooted for the Cubs. None of us ever saw them win shit! Let’s force another generation endure this misery!
11. Ryan Theriot.
-“[The 2007 Cubs] have three good bats in the lineup, but are a little light beyond that”
“Ah, they have Theriot, too.”
“Theriot isn’t very good”
“C’mon, he’s an average major league shortstop. He’s a contact hitter and plays decent defense”
“His OPS+ this year was like 72. His defense is ok, but not enough buoy from the ranks of ‘below average’”
“He’s an average player and makes the team better”
10. Excruciating renditions of classic songs.
-I don’t care how much Jim Belushi loves the Cubbies, he gets paid to be an untalented comedian, not to be an untalented singer. Watching the Cubs play is painful enough without having to endure this nonsense in the middle of the 7th
9. Batshit crazy announcers.
-“Santo is like having a fan in the booth!” True, if that fan is drunk, senile, and severely mentally handicapped. Kinda makes you miss Harry Carey talk about . . . whatever the hell he was talking about.
8. Glorifying bad beer.
-What better way to enjoy excrement on the field than by consuming excrement from a tap?! Another round of Old Styles over here!
7. Talking about how much they spent on tickets.
-People won’t know how important you are unless you subtly (and repeatedly) inform them that you spent 4x face value on your tickets from a scalper, who, by the way, happens to be employed by the owners of the team. Act as though this cost means nothing to you. You’d have had the foresight to grab tickets in March like everybody else if you actually gave a rat’s ass about the game you just paid to watch.
6. Financing Milwaukee
’s next free agent acquisition.
-Yes, for all the reasons stated here, Milwaukee
fans find you obnoxious. However, you continue to trek up to Miller Park
and pay premium prices to watch your team in somebody else’s stadium. I don’t like it, but I don’t have to go to those 7 games. I will, however, benefit from the ability to plug holes through free agency AND from the premium I will receive by scalping the tickets I had the foresight to buy back in March.
5. Decrepit stadiums.
- Yes, your stadium is old. It is not inherently charming due to its age. It’s more like one of those old people that has completely and permanently lost control of their bowels.
4. Baseless Arrogance
-Maybe it’s the fact that their city is about forty times larger than Milwaukee
. Maybe it’s because they are proud about having dropped $250 a ticket to sit in the grandstands. Maybe they’ve got an inferiority complex because they aren’t New York
and never will be. Whatever the reason, the rest of the world will continue to be subjected to the following for the foreseeable future, “Brewers fan are always jealous of the Cubs nation. The only time you sell out is when the Cubs come to town.
Its ok. When we're hoisting the Championship trophy come October, we'll let you guys watch, watch with envy.”
-Bonus points for proximity to Boys Town
2. Overreacting to everything.
-Lee is 1 for his last 14, bench his ass, Lou! Ramirez struggled through those three games in the NLDS, his career appears over. Fukudome is hitting .571 through ten days. How many MVP’s will he win for the Cubs? Felix Pie/Corey Patterson/Matt Murton is going to be a perennial star in the league! Just wait ‘til Prior and Wood are healthy! In Dusty We Trust! Fire Dusty!
And number 1 . . .
-There is always next year. Assholes.